Part 2: Survival

Every morning when I awoke in the backseat of my car I, realized I was living the nightmare that had kept me thrashing in my sleep all night.  

How do you operate every day as though you’re not alone? How do you hide the terror? How do you mask the fact that your whole world has been flipped upside down?  I was consumed by the realization that I had done this to myself. I knew the consequences but never believed it could happen to me. Yet, there I was, pregnant and unsure of how I would even survive.

My body was working overtime to make a human being, one that I wanted to protect from my own failures.

With the sun came the heat, and I always found myself eager to go to work. There I could find relief in the air-conditioned building and confiscate the leftover food the kids didn’t eat. It was the closest thing to comfort I could find

In the afternoons during my lunch break, I would crawl into my hot car and sneak a precious hour of sleep. My body was weary from working overtime to make a human being, one that I wanted to protect from my own failures.

At night, my boss allowed me to stay late to bleach toys and disinfect each room. That gave me a bit of peace in the cool and quiet to think. But those thoughts always drifted back to my own bad choices – and a future that seemed so unstable. So hopeless.

Each night as I reluctantly returned to the car that had become my home, I felt completely and utterly alone. My heart was breaking slowly. And I had no idea how I would survive.